The day after a manic day you feel like you can see again like the blurries been lifted and everything’s in focus you feel solemn sometimes sad remorseful not even because you did anything wrong not because you hopefully went off doing crazy things even if you behaved yourself on a manic day the day after your regretful your unsure. you’re to remember everything in focus and find who you were yesterday because that’s not who you were today you wish you could feel like this everyday in focus and check able to think things through. I feel like I remember everything from yesterday when I go through it but almost like it was a drunken blur like I wasn’t really there like I was watching somebody else take hold in my life and make decisions make choices live it in general and don’t get me wrong nothing bad happened it was a good day I probably talked more to my co-workers than normal was less focused more sporadic hell I probably seemed more fun but I wasn’t me and now I’m questioning who is me butt today I know that this is who I am this person who woke up and looked in the mirror today is me and it doesn’t resemble yesterday’s me at all I wonder if my kids see the difference and then I stopped and realized I’m raising two wonderful very smart individuals who obviously see the difference but then I wonder if they just think slightly manic mom is fun mom and focused mom is bad cop I feel the need to apologize to everyone for who I was yesterday hey sorry that I came over and talked to your ear off for 30 minutes about paper clips but then I feel stupid because if it really was as bad as if feel it was somebody would have said something I didn’t break any rules I didn’t hurt anybody I just wasn’t me I had trouble sitting in my seat and now all I want to do today is sit in my seat stare at that computer and focus be productive on the bright side I handled it yesterday I was still able to do everything that needed to get done take care of myself my family help I even meal prepped of course meal prepping when you’re manic means there’s lots of lots of pasta in the fridge and yes most of it is still healthy but it’s not what you would normally meal prep for your family another bright side is I worked out yesterday something I’ve been working towards and I worked out after I felt lethargic and tired and I was already coming down from the wonderful high that is bipolar I thought I felt the weights coming down I mean and I didn’t want to crash all the way back down so I decided to work out and it worked I did again nothing bad happened but I still feel like I lost the day to myself it wasn’t even a full day I doubt but I feel like I wasn’t me I was sitting back and watching things happen and watching somebody take over my life and I was out of control not completely but It was exhausting. all I can do is try today and that’s what I’m going to do is try

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s