I’m still mad at you. I’ll fuck you but I’m still mad at you. I love you but I’m still mad at you. I wasn’t forgiving you I needed to get laid. I don’t want to cuddle or snuggle or spoon. I wanted to get off and good and I just needed your dick. Two days of “ok” behavior does not replace the hundreds of bad…wait horrible…nope horrific, shameful, overwhelming, and of course unneccessary nights and or days i’ve had to take care of you. It may not seem like much but I sent you out of our bed for the first time in hmm.. 7 years… I think. That was a big fucking deal to me…I’ve tried to do that I’ve told myself when he gets home or when he wakes up he’s not fucking coming in here but I always let you. cause I want you…I don’t fucking need you to take care of the kids or work or the keep the house. Hell, you just add to the stress. but I want you. I wanted you. I wanted you next to me with me beside me, inside me to be my other half my partner my best friend my husband a father to our kids a member of this family.

So when I told you “don’t you fucking think about coming in here you can go to the couch.” It was a lot and I wanted it I wanted you away. I wasn’t wanting you to be sober It was not wanting you here. I liked you less. I told you that you reminded me of my father and it was way to fucking true it was horrible. You see how often I talk to him now…once every couple weeks…that will be you. You lost another piece of me…and I gained another piece back. Not scared to tell you how I feel in fear of more fighting of more drama of making things harder on me. But positive I had to tell you how I felt or it’d rip out of me and the things I’d say…there would be no gong back ya know.

So today when you ask if we’ll be okay the answer is I don’t fucking know. I’m not giving you any positive affirmations to help you think you can recover and get through it cause I am not taking care of you any longer. It doesn’t work only you can help yourself. Only you can  and save us only you can be the man you want yourself to be that I deserve to have as my husband and the kids deserve to have as a father.

I’m thinking of saying good-bye the urge is getting stronger. The wanting you is getting further and the love is turning into a memory.

Let me be me. appreciate me. let me have friends appreciate me. encourage me and all I do for you like I do for your job and your life. be stronger try harder fight for what you want and be the change you need to survive.

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