Clicking my fucking red heels here!!

You’re never to far from where you came feom. A death in the family… a suicide at that and I’m back in this world. 24 hours and I’m ready to go. The good here is still good but fear of the bad will never dissipate. The anger the drunkenness the naivety of it all and pride.. thankfully it seems everyone pulled their shit together and simply honored whom we lost. Even if my husband can be an arrogant drunk he protects me from these other arrogant drunks including my father. Who stayed drunk up until I got here yesterday and pulled it together for the funeral and I think for himself maybe the rest of us. This trip went opposite as planned as half way on the 5 hour drive Jay realized she left her purse. This purse was my world yesterday. I was getting a hotel  room likely alcohol and not having to stay or rely on anyone else. I had a way out…then no purse =no freedom. I was stuck at the mercy of others who of course came through with couches air mattresses MN blankets and a home. However staying in a house with 16 other people Wilhelm yiur enxoety is already through the roof is not as sweet icing in the cake as you’d think. I sound like a brat to myself but the anxiety of being somewhere y available no control is not simple. I sat with my hands in my pockets for hours hardly speaking cause it was just so hard to untense and get the words out. Family saying sit eat join and I just couldn’t I couldn’t relax hell I couldn’t breath. This was a rough one but I made it and alone. My husband home with the littlest one that was also stressful it was the first time he was ever alone al night with him.it may be silky to some but a whole night is different than any day. And I’m not nearby to come to the rescue. Basically my lack of control was shattering to me. Heart breaking even.  I didn’t know what to do with myself and barely able yo help others. Normally om pod in stressful situations in which action needs to be taken but this was just stressful all in my head all memories no action to be taken nothing to be done. And I wasn’t near my kids which in itself is stressful for me. Now I’m waiting to get my ride home in a car with my siblings who I love but keep the car like an ice sickle. Which again turns up my anxiety. Sorry for my bitch fest but I’m trying to reel this shit in. 

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