I don’t wonder anymore

bitter sweet is it to realize you made the right decision all those years ago. not that you want anything different now but there were times in your life you comfort yourself with regret or wonder. with the idea that you did something or someone did something to you that put you where you are now good or bad. and at night you can sleep with that…that what if… that maybe if,…I wonder if. then a slap in the face it can be when you realize ha nope all roads led to this there was never any other choice or out come. that you are you and other people are always going to be them for better or worse. it can hurt to realize that what you think of a specific person is just one memory of them you favor or a few memories in which you hold on to making that person in your head seem good or bad. it can take one action for you to think “oh ha yeah that’s who you are ha this is who I am” and who I am doesn’t give a fuck anymore about who you were. I care about who you are now and who I am now. and me…well I’m fucking happy I know I’m jinxing this bit the last two weeks of my life have been the best… maybe ever. ha I’m tired and run down and overwhelmed but fucking happy I am who I am, who my children ate, how crazy they are and who my partner in life I, my husband my lover my friend. I have many faults but I love who I am most of the time and my husband is the only one to not only accept me but (usually) embrace who I am. so at least now I know… I don’t wonder anymore…

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