Despair 

I haven’t been down this long in a while. I’m still able to paste on a smile for part of my days. I hate the in between feeling I don’t know if I’m happy or sad or mad im all of it all at once rolled into a ball tgen cut up like confetti and thrown into a blender. Every moment someone asks me a question I can’t decide if it personal work related or an epic voice over in my head saying something important stuff about to happen. Every nonce is too loud but blends with the other two Loyd noises muffled under the voices in my head asking me if I’m sure. Am I sure I want to write that think that move that do that feel that am I really feeling that? Am I really feeling everything pause and try to take it all in but the moment u open the door to feeling  last flood envelopes you and u have to slam the gate back down trying to grapple with the lock and not get washed away.

Tgen im okay I got this what was I thinking no don’t don’t do that don’t think you’ll over think you’ll go down the rabbit hole and you can’t be chasing rabbits at work. You have children to chase at home and the laundry isn’t running the dishes are waiting hope is an idea still not yet felt you’ll climb out and  take a breath…eventually right.

What do you want Jay what? Sex? Love? Are yiu hungry? Sleep? Alcohol? Time alone? Time with your kids? No time too much time. All theses wants and u just wasted your time thinking again. I need to move too tired to move. Accomplish a mountain too tired for the next hill. If only I had real help a confidant a partner in could say all this to…

But I don’t I have you… i tell you one issue and 3 of yours pop up I ask for help and you putty yourself guilt yourself for not helping go in to your own world and I now have a bigger mess. I don’t need a knight in shining armour I am the fucking knight in shingles armour but even the victims love back. Even the princess or the whatever shows they’re grateful.  Saying is not doing. 

Sigh now I go back to fake it till I feel it. …content happiness love passion want.

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