Overcompensation

Overcompensation people take offense to this for some reason you lack in areas of your life and you over compensate and I’m not talking about the dirty things for once I’m talking about in life I’m bipolar part of being bipolar is the ups and downs is the going from 0 to 60 in 0 seconds is the being happy and then being suicidal the next minute it’s being joyful and feeling sorrowful it’s being hopeful and sadistic but now I’m starting to realize that maybe I’m not just over compensating for myself I can get really uptight I can get really controlling and sometimes I feel bad afterwards and I wonder why why do I need to be so structured why do I need to fit people in things a certain way when I never fit in a certain way and maybe that’s why because I’m over compensating for my own fault and I’m putting that on other people I didn’t grow up in a necessarily stable environment so all I wanted was structure all I wanted was to know for a fact that I was going to have support or a family or breakfast or lunch or dinner to know that most days were going to be good days and if not that everything would be ok but I didn’t have that and for a while as they grow up and I became a parent I was fine I learned how to create my own structure with my oldest child and that was our world and he only needed me and I wasn’t going to bills so he had structure that was our structure and then I met my now husband who as I’ve mentioned has a drinking problem and although he’s gotten things more in control I know that one of the things that triggers him is my being controlling my demanding my need for things to be a specific way but what I don’t think he realizes is that I need these things because I can’t trust his structure I don’t know if he’s going to fall off the wagon I don’t know if he’s not going to I don’t know if he’s having a bad day or good day and if I’m going to have to take care of the kids for the night I know he’s working on it and I’m very grateful and proud but the reason I put the structures in two places so that if or when he falls off the wagon or has a bad day and gets depressed and can’t function I have a plan in place I know everything will be ok I know that me and the kids will be taken care of and life will continue on and everything’s going to be okay now he takes offense to this because he says I’m waiting for him to fill I’m not waiting for him to fail I’m hoping he doesn’t feel I am really wanting everything to work out I do have hope that doesn’t mean I don’t have here having hope does not mean that you are fearless if anything it means that you’re putting yourself out there to be hurt and just praying that it goes well you can’t have hope without fear hope is putting yourself out there and not being sure surety is sure hope is maybe falling flat on your face and living with that it’s taking that fear and saying I can live with you we can coexist I’m not going to give up so yes there are some days that I’m not sure so I try and have hope I have hope that doesn’t mean if he comes home upset I’m not going to ask if he’s not been drinking because that’s my first that’s the start of my truck sure these are the steps I have to take to ensure that everything is going to be ok that I’m going to be okay that the kids are going to be okay that I can forward your plan to push through that night now he may not have been drinking but the fact that he’s upset doesn’t make it any less scary that doesn’t mean he’s not going to drink that doesn’t mean everything’s okay I was told one of the most to me hurtful things and it shouldn’t have hurt me he didn’t mean to say it as a hurtful thing but he told me why can’t I just listen and not try and fix it but my whole life all I’ve done is try and fix it and I can’t fix the problem but I can try and push through a situation I create that structure to make it through so he gets mad because he tells me something and I’m trying to figure out how we can push through it and he’s mad cuz he wants me to just listen so I’m over here stressing about okay but then what and maybe that’s just because I’ve been an adult since I was 7 years old is it I can’t just go through this problem and not trying to figure out how to make it better for somebody at least especially if it’s going to affect my kids myself and him for that matter why is it such a bad thing that I want to fix things I understand him wanting need to have to listen I’ve wanted that before I do that he never wants to fix the problem or he never wants to continue on he just wants to complain and walk away that’s not in me I don’t know how to do that not when it’s irrelevant to our family so I apologize that I was sorry I didn’t mean to hurt him by trying to fix it or annoy him I was simply trying to help but that doesn’t mean I was sorry for trying to help I’m sorry that it bothers him he often makes comments about wanting to go away to move away to a beach he’s always want this and we had kids I wanted this when I was young to to move away and start a new life but I realize you didn’t have to move away to start a new life you just had to live your life the way you wanted it and I’ve done now he still talks about wanting to move away to California and create this life and I keep explaining moving away to California does it mean you created a new life you’re not going to lay on a beach with a drink in your hand you still have kids you still have to get a job you will still have bills to pay you’ll just be on a beach where is more expensive with a prettier view and he says no I know that I don’t want to leave you and the kids but can’t I have these dreams of where I want to live and those hurt me because why would you want to be as an adult if you were truly happy in your life with your family why would there be any where else you would want to be then happy with your family so I told him to go I told him go stay with your brother go spend some time out in California and on the beach will be fine and he was hiding spend it basically telling me I was telling him to move out and I understand why he would be hurt but what else do you want me to stay after seven years of telling me you want to move away even after we have a family other than fine go I mean what else is there left to say okay well that was my vent for the day and it seems that I run hotter on anger which I am today so I’m getting things done which means hopefully it will be a good day I just have to keep pushing through

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