where the fuck is she?

abyss-stairs

as she awoke from her dream she was unsure of her surroundings. where the fuck was she? She wondered even after she realized her surroundings that voice pounded in her head, “where the fuck am I where the fuck is the person I was or where the fuck is the person I wanted to be?” she got up and walked around the house. she looked at her clean kitchen her vacuumed living room, her sleeping dog, her swimming axolotls, her sleeping birds, her sleeping children and the moonlight shining in on their snoring faces. ha then back to her bedroom and her sleeping partner fast asleep. all that was good it was what made her smile when she had a rough day a yelling boss an angry customer a pile of work a pile of laundry a sink full of dishes. but in all this in all she had where was she? she stared at her paper and pen and then her computer debating attempting to finding herself but the computer would wake the kids and the light of her reading lap would wake her partner it was still too cold at 3 in the morning to attempt to write outside so she crawled back in bed and laid there attempting to dream of finding herself. finding the person she could be, the one that would make her happy and proud. every day the same attempt and only to take one step forward and two steps back usually but today well today she might as well just take a fucking leap and see if she ever lands. knowing luck she’ll probably twist her ankle after this jump but it wont be for lack of trying at least, lately words call to her hear me see me speak to me or rather through me. tired of only one accomplishment at a time she wishes to have more hands eyes and ears and less well hands eyes and ears tugging on her.

all great accomplishments are never really known until task already accomplished, in which you look back and usually say holy shit ha well done sir well done. its one of those its always darkest before its dawn moments or a flower a its most beautiful is quickly followed by its inevitable demise.. word, read once is already known and a thought known can never be unknown, which I’ve learned all too well. the path not taken is as likely to be just as good or bad as the one you did take for you are the common denominator.

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