where i am now..

This year has been a rough year. We all make mistakes and no I am definitely not perfect but I do generally pride myself on living a life with no regrets. And that doesn’t mean I don’t care about the consequences of my actions it means I think before I act. I choose my choices, I own them. I live with my mistakes and learn. I put my kids happiness before mine. I put my happiness next, and then I start to line up the rest of the important people in my life. I love my family and my fiancé but I am no good to them if I am not me. If I am not ok. If I’m here alive breathing feeling and not numb to it all. for some reason it is hard for me to stay out of the darkness. I get depressed easily and its an every day struggle as it is for lots of people lots of moms. I don’t want to let myself get buried to the point I can’t help my kids reach for their goals because the darkness has swallowed me. this is why I am #2 in my life and my kids #1. When I was younger, before my kids it was harder. I’ve learned a lot learned how to cope heal my own heart from this thing called depression that daily takes bites of me. I still have my bad days as most humans do but I can usually push myself forward. I let myself sink a little to the bottom just so I can push up off of it and get a breath of air screaming ha! not this time! but every once in a while I get to the bottom only to get stuck for a bit in the muddy sand and it takes a couple days to float back up. but its ok. I still carry on being the best mom I can be that is never affected. yes on my “dark days” my kids probably think mommy’s sick or tired or in a bad mood. but nothing drastic. this isn’t like a poor me blog this is a yay me. ha its silly but I always say fake it till you feel it. now you can’t fake the biggys love or hate but some days faking you’re ok you’re happy will make it so. studies show smiling even when you’re happy actually tricks your body into releasing the chemicals in you’re brain that make you think you’re happy in turn actually making you happy ha isn’t that neat.? life’s hard if its easy you’re not doing it right. now this is not a bad thing for life to be hard its good way good. its why there are word like accomplishment or win or hope or overcome. because with out the struggle these words would mean nothing, the feeling you get from them would mean nothing. so anyways my youngest is being fussy ha I better get back to being a mommy not a writer ha. this was just a bit about me now.

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